You first learn enough (but not everything - but it really isn't necessary to know all the details anyway) about Gilbert's marriage and difficult divorce. Early on, you find her crying on her bathroom floor and, for lack of feeling like being more eloquent (I'm writing this after midnight - needless to say, it's late, and I'm tired), her life is a total mess. Her decision to travel is a way of...figuring things out, regaining happiness, finding God, etc. I don't know, but maybe all of these things are really just synonyms of a single desire or goal?
Anyway, I found myself relating to Gilbert's situation, in the way that I've been finding myself deciphering my decision to leave law school. I've had plenty of time to marinate all of this, but I still don't think I'm quite there yet. But, essentially, I look at it as a divorce. I got a divorce from law school.
First and foremost, I am NOT in any way trying to poke fun at or make light of divorce in its traditional sense. At the same time, I'm not going to apologize for my thoughts or my writing. You're more than welcome to click on the x or little red stoplight if you like. Ok, now that that's out of the way...
You wouldn't stay in a marriage if you were so unhappy and you had that gut feeling (you know, that one) about it, telling you that this isn't right. Turning things around, you wouldn't get married in the first place if you knew from the very start that it was just going to end in a divorce. So you go into a marriage with the best of intentions, hopes, and dreams, and with love. Unfortunately, it doesn't always end up working out.
It didn't in Gilbert's case, and she knew she had to get out. It wasn't easy, but it isn't supposed to be. That's how I felt about law school. Or I guess more accurately, when I realized that I was no longer sure if I wanted to be in this relationship. Yes, I went through all the motions and emotions of trying to figure out whether I was just having temporary relationship jitters, or if I just needed some space (leave of absence), or if I was just outright done (withdrawing). I don't remember crying on my bathroom floor during my period of Figuring Things Out (but then again, I have a pretty small bathroom to begin with...I don't think I could lay out straight on its floor if I tried, plus, isn't it kind of gross to lie on the floor of your bathroom? Even if you do clean it...every now and then? But I digress.), but I pretty much cried everywhere else. I cried on the FREAKIN' METRO, for goodness sake. More than once! More than once on the same day, for that matter! I must have lost all my usual sense of decorum and privacy, because really, when you're crying walking down Mass. Ave and you haven't showered in at least several days (but who's counting?), and you're wearing the same clothes you wore yesterday AND slept in last night...you really just don't care what anyone who sees you is thinking anyway.
I guess I'm getting off topic from my whole grand plan of relating the book I just finished reading with (fairly) recent life events, but you know what? Who cares? This is a blog! To add to the stuff above, the only time I really felt at peace (if that was even possible), was when I was sleeping. For those precious glorious hours during the period before I figured out that I wanted a divorce, sleep was the only real respite I had from everything. The downfall of this was that I very quickly started to absolutely hate the morning. I would basically devolve into a crying nutcase within five minutes of waking up and, well, when you start your morning that way, it's next to impossible to do anything else but continue your downward spiral.
Sidenote: I guess it's worth mentioning that I maxed out an entire month of cell phone minutes within about one week. I called home all the time. Constantly. I would get to the end of a conversation and start feeling a teensy bit better, then within five seconds of pressing End, I would be a total mess again and be pressing redial. (I am so lucky to have such an amazing family.)
I feel like I'll ultimately end up devoting multiple posts to law school and related life events, but right now I feel like I've gone all overboard on the gloom and doom. Unfortunately, all of this happened. Yes, I did feel that way. I did do those things. Including the not showering or changing clothes. But now (as in today, versus 3-4 months ago) I CAN look back on those months with a sort of Yeah That Happened But I'm Still Here AND I'm Happy So Eat That attitude.
Don't get the wrong idea here, though. I don't regret anything. Like I said above, you wouldn't get married if you knew you were going to end up getting divorced. I really did want to go to law school to become a lawyer, and you know what, maybe I'm in danger of tooting my own non-existent horn here, but I think that, had I decided to stay, I would have become a damn good one too. Why? Because I know (this is just something I know, because I know me) that I would have not allowed myself to be anything but good. That's just me, and that won't change, no matter what. But what I realized is (and this is a far too simplistic explanation of it all, but it more or less summarizes everything) that I could no longer see myself being happy doing this.
I'm not sure what changed in me during that time, but something did. I mean, c'mon people, who gives a flying fuck about happiness? Geez. Happiness is for sappy people, people who have impossible dreams about an unattainable notion of finding something (and I suppose, someone, but that's irrelevant here) that makes them truly happy. I guess what changed in me is that I stopped pushing away the You Deserve To Be Happy voice and started realizing that (stop here if sappiness makes you vomit; you have been warned) life is too short. Yeah, THAT whole question of What If You Died Today?
What IF i died today? It wouldn't matter that I was or wasn't in law school, that I had or hadn't just quit my wonderful job for the sole reason of focusing full-time on school, etc. etc. But I think it would matter, to me at least, if I wasn't happy. Okay, so granted, in this scenario, I'd be dead, and thus couldn't necessarily be pissed about having died unhappy. But, if I could be, I would be pretty pissed. I mean what the hell? Exactly.
One thing I want to stress is, I get that you can't go through life expecting to be happy all the time or to find happiness in everything you do. Yes, life just sucks major ass sometimes. I think it's really a personal decision, a question you have to ask yourself. You can ask for and accept input from others (or from society or social norms in general), but at the end of the day, YOU have to make whatever decision it is. Not your family, not your coworkers, not your bank account, not what society thinks (or what you THINK society thinks), etc.
If your marriage (for whatever combination of reasons) was truly one of unhappiness, you probably wouldn't stay married. You would probably ask yourself a lot of questions, all resolving around the idea of Should I stay or should I go? Why should I stay? Why should I go? Some of the questions I posed to myself were such things as (stream of consciousness commencing)...Okay, yes, you just quit your job, and the economy clearly blows. Will you be able to find a job? What if you can't? How long can live off your savings? What about the loans you took out for school? You have to pay those back. What will your friends/former coworkers/classmates/potential employers/people in general/society/the world/God/YOU think of you now? Looking at questions like these, it was somewhat of an internal dialogue. Such as, if the ONLY reason you're staying is because you're afraid you won't find a job, that's a pretty dumb reason, don't you think? Yeah...yeah you're right. Does this mean you're a failure? No, you idiot. But what will people think? Who cares? I care. Eh. It went something like that.
Aside from the whole loans things (well, isn't divorce usually a pretty expensive process? So, goes with the territory I guess. After all, once again, happiness...money...stay in law school...take out more loans...still be ungodly unhappy? Doh.), my major issue was with how other people would react. What they would say, if (and how) they would judge, etc. etc. So in case you're reading this and wondering, yeah, that's more or less why I dropped off the face of the earth for a couple months. I couldn't deal with the idea of having to explain myself over and over (plus, how do you really go about doing that? Oh, so how's school? Funny you should ask. Yeah, I left before fall semester finals. But I'm good, how are YOU?), combined with the scary reality of needing to figure out What's Next, i.e. finding a job.
I need to sleep now, but to wrap up (at some point I'd like to write a more elaborate post just on this topic), it took me a very, very long time to realize that the people who matter (aside from my family - they were with me on this from day one) weren't going to judge me on my decision. Ugh, I hate that phrase, "my decision." I know it was my decision, but it's just...a negative karma phrase to me now. I found that people who were in my life before and during law school really didn't care (in the sense that they weren't offended or disgusted or that they didn't disown me or chastise me or wash their hands of me) about that whole "law school thing." People were really just interested in how I was doing, what I was doing now, and happy to hear and see that I was happy too. So, thank you, everyone. Seriously.
ps: if you get a chance, read eat, pray, love. or, at least read the italy section.
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